Gone With The Wind

St Patrick's Athletic got the 2015 season underway last Friday evening against South Dublin County Council's foremost rentboys, Shamrock.
     The encounter was televised by State broadcaster RTÉ in deference to ExPats the world over. Former Saints CEO and current RTÉ talking head, Richard Sadlier, felt the two sides could not be separated on paper, in the three seasons since the return of Liam Buckley the Inchicore outfit having won an aggregate 30 points more than their former tenants, but with the council ground still holding something of an Indian sign over the Saints."I hope they both lose," added Sadlier's fellow panelist, Trevor Croly.

Live Register Statistic, TC

     The Saints were hampered by injury and suspension, missing former Hoops Killian Brennan and Ger O'Brien as well as future Hoop Sean Hoare. But Shamrock were not without their own problems, namely the absence of Republic of Ireland internationals Stephen McPhail and Keith Fahey (though they were boosted by the suspensions of Ryan and Gavin Brennan). In the build-up to the game Republic of Ireland international Keith Fahey was at pains to point out that he felt no ill-will towards either Liam Buckley or the Inchicore faithful.
   

Republic of Ireland International, Keith Fahey

     "Listen, Expat," he said, " Republic of Ireland international Keith Fahey had some great times at Pats, but Republic of Ireland international Keith Fahey is a Shamrock player now, and that's just the way it is," said the Republic of Ireland international.
     But it was perhaps Killian Brennan's presence in the middle of the park that was most missed.  With Killer suspended and Conor McCormack filling in at right full, Liam Buckley was left short of midfield options, and plumped for a  4-4-2 formation, much to the chagrin of football hipsters from Bulfin Road to Railway Avenue. You don't know what you're doin' were the chants from the away end, and Bucko himself seemed to agree when pressed on the sideline by Tony O'Donoghue.

Brennan: Toaday's Beard, Today

     "Given the severity of the conditions," asked the Rebel without a cause, "do you think you'll be forced into any changes before the break?"
     "Ah sure lookit, Tony, the way it is...I normally wear a light-hold water-based pomade, but things being the way the are, we might have to look at adding a bit more hold sooner rather than later."

Plan B

     And just as he spoke Danny North latched on to a Max Blanchard hoof, and Shamrock found themselves a goal up.
     A livid Jason McGuinness remonstrated with referee Dave McKeown. "Sure neither of them are even Irish," he protested to no avail.
     Many a dismayed Saint tried to pin the goal on one of Derek Foran or Ken Oman, but either way it stood
       Meanwhile in the SDCC gantry, Ger Canning bemoaned the Saints' wastefulness from 45s, queried the omissions of Paul Osam and Marc Kenny from the starting line-ups, but praised the industriousness of corner forward Conan Byrne. Kenny Cunningham elected to use the word 'elect' quite a lot.
      The second half saw both sides huff and puff admirably enough, but despite the introduction of ooh aah Jamie McGrath there simply wasn't enough quality on show for Cyril Guedje not to suffer an existential crisis.
     Shamrock ran out 1-0 winners. The Saints remain The Saints.

    

Once A Saint, Always A Saint

The impending return to Inchicore of Philly Hughes has got tongues wagging on both sides of the River Liffey, some questioning the wisdom of a signing a player who - according to the latest UEFA directives - counts as two players in a starting line-up. Manager Liam Buckley was having none of it, however, when he spoke to The ExPat earlier this week, claiming that "Phillip would be the biggest player I've ever signed, so from that end of things I don't really know what people are complaining about."

Indeed, Liam. In-fucking-deed.

Should the Hughes signing go ahead, he will become the sixth member of the current squad to be in his second spell with the club, and here's The ExPat's XI of Saints (good, bad, and in more than one case, ugly) who found their way home after going astray in search of fame and fortune elsewhere.

Between the sticks, No.1 Brendan Clarke.

Pictured here taking a deserved nap between saves, Brendan's in his second spell, having played under 5 managers over a 10 year period, during which time he has had more hairstyles than clean sheets. Brendan's shot-stopping is second-to-none and his distribution of the ball makes him an integral part of Liam Buckley's vision to pass our way to disappointment every season, but lapses of concentration have plagued Clarkie since his return to Richmond Park. "Do you dwell on mistakes?" The ExPat recently asked the Ballyfermot-bred netminder. "Well, to be honest with you," he said, "sometimes before or after a game I just have a few minutes to myself to...sorry, what was the question?"

Right Back, No. 2 Anto Murphy

Anto has had not two, but three spells in the famous Red & White, his versatility matched only by his mediocrity. Though, credit where it's due, he did enjoy a purple patch in 2007 and hasn't quite given up yet on rediscovering that form. Anto is currently working on his fitness in the hope of earning a fourth crack of the whip. Don't call us, Anto; we'll call you.

Centre Half, No. 5 Dave Mulcahy

An oft-spoken cliche goes that every side should have a Dave Mulcahy, but if such a thing ever came to pass St. John's Ambulance would go into meltdown. A midfield-enforcer by trade, Muller can do as much damage to an opponent at centre-half as he can anywhere else on the field. The cult-hero inspires fear and respect in equal measure, qualities perfectly captured here in his squad profile picture from 2011. "Say 'CHEESE!!'" the photographer said. Incidentally, donations to the Paraplegic Photographers Association can be made directly at 125 Emmet Road.

Centre Half, No. 4 Jamie Harris

Welshman Harris first arrived at Richmond Park from Bohemians in the summer of 2000 as a makeweight in the transfer of Trevor Molloy. Roddy Collins had planned to pair Billy Boy and Harris (then a striker) in a little-and-large partnership, which at the time was all the rage. Collins initially offered Pats a young centre-forward by the name of Glen Crowe, but in his infallible wisdom, Saints Supremo Pat Dolan plumped for Harris, and after 2 and a half years as fifth-choice striker it was discovered that Harris was, in fact, a more-than-decent centre-half. About six games later, Eamonn Collins in his own infallible wisdom sold Harris to Shelbourne. Bomber went on to win 3 league titles with the South-cum-Northside outfit. Pat Dolan and Eamonn Collins are currently without clubs.

Left Back, No. 3 Des Byrne

Like Anto Murphy, Dessie had 3 spells with  the Saints. His first led to a big-money move to then-Premier League club Wimbledon, and it was in London that Dessie struck up a life-long friendship with a certain John Terry. The ExPat spoke to the cockney scamp about the full back. "Well, ExPat, what can I say about Des that hasn't already been said?" said the self-styled hardman with over 70 caps for the English Defence League. "I suppose the greatest compliment I can pay Des is to say that's he's white."

Right Midfield, No. 8 That Boy Keith Fahey

Fellow white man Keith Fahey takes his place in the side on the wide-right, the position he occupied during his first stint at the club. It wasn't until his return from a brief hiatus at Drogheda United that Fahey really came into his own, after somehow managing to secure a starting berth ahead of Vinny Perth, Ian Maher, and Brenton Leister. Fahey's final 12 months in a Saints shirt were an object lesson in how good the League of Ireland could be, and how far it has to go. He dictated every game, kept John McDonnell in a job, earned less than Michael Keane and shared a dressing room with Joe O'Cearuill.

Midfield, No. 6 Joseph N'Do

Joey first came to Ireland in 2003 via Eamonn Collins' legendary book of contacts, having featured in the Cameroon squad for the 1998 and 2002 World Cups. In addition to his two trophy-less spells in Inchicore, he has won league titles with Shelbourne, Bohemians, and Sligo Rovers. Chris Adamson, Karim el Khebir, Mark Casey, and Gary McPhee also came to Ireland via Eammon Collins' legendary book of contacts. None of them appeared in either the 1998 or 2002 World Cups, nor have any of them won league titles. Eammon Collins is currently without a club.

Midfield, No. 7 Paul Osam (c) 

Perhaps better known for his season at Shamrock Rovers, Oso did, in fact, also feature for the Saints for a combined 14 years, during which time he won 5 league titles to add to the winner's medal he picked with the Hoops at the Royal Dublin Society, where he earned the famous moniker, The Black Pearl Of Ballsbridge. Oso is still fondly thought of by the Shamrock Rovers faithful, and there are plans afoot to re-name streets in his honour in Ringsend, Miltown, Drumcondra, Phibsboro, Ballsbridge, Drumcondra again, Santry, Inchicore, and Tallaght.

Left Wing, No. 11 Sean O'Connor

Sean recently departed the Saints for the second (and, hopefully, last) time in circumstances which by any definition must be called acrimonious. A heated argument between Liam Buckley and the Ballyfermot-native ended with Soccy claiming he could "still have any woman in Inchicore." "You're welcome to them," Buckley retorted.

Centre Forward, No. 9 Trevor Molloy

Molloy helped the Saints to back-to-back league titles in his first spell at the club, earning himself legendary status by the age of 22. His second spell was short and sweet, though markedly less illustrious than the first. To supporters who came of age in that period, The ExPat included, Molloy remains the standard bearer of Pats strikers. Older cunts might disagree.

Centre Forward, No. 41 Ian Gilzean

For all intents and purposes, Glizean shouldn't have made it as a professional footballer. Lumbering and lethargic, he strolled around for 90 minutes like a knackered Dimitar Berbatov, only with the delicate first touch of a rapist. What he lacked in pace, guile or any discernible ability, however, he made up in something indefinable that actually made him the best target man the modern-day League of Ireland has seen, forming part of a deadly attacking triumvirate with Molloy and Leon Braithwaite in '97/'98, and then the perfect Plan-B-already-built-into-the-Plan-A in Liam Buckley's ingenious 3-5-2 the following season. Of all the players in this XI, however, his return was undoubtedly the least successful as those aforementioned qualities (or lack thereof) came to the fore and he struggled to break up the partnership of Liam Kelly and Ger McCarthy, a damning indictment of any footballer (unless, of course, his name is Marcus Hallows or Michael Holt). Such, though, is the esteem in which the big Scot is still held that the number 41 jersey was retired in his honour.

Being: Pats

Dublin Calling'

Having seen his vision to introduce financial doping to domestic football thwarted, and with it being the year of The Gathering, beleaguered Saints owner Garret Kelleher has opted for one last throw of the dice, and, in an effort to crack the burgeoning American market, invited the ExPat Blog into the inner sanctum of 125 Emmet Road for a behind-the-scenes look at how Liam Buckley's outfit is shaping up.

Pre-season is in full swing, with the club's first competitive fixture (against Irish League side Glentoran) a matter of weeks away. On the training pitch, manager Liam Buckley is professionalism personified  and expects the same form his players, quietly chastising young Connor Murphy for a moment of petulance.

"You need to improve your attitude," Buckley tells the new recruit from Derry City.

"Steady," Murphy inadvisedly replies.

"You say 'steady' to me again when I'm saying something to you and you'll be on the first Luas back to Tallaght.You should be like a sponge here, learning off these guys," he says, pointing towards a bewildered Anto Flood, who assumes he has done something wrong. "You get one chance to play for St. Patrick's Athletic Football Club." Flood remains bewildered. As do Brendan Clarke, Shane McFaul, and Jordan Keegan.

Buckley then decides to lower the intensity of the training session with a game of what he calls "World Cup", dividing the squad into The Muppets, The Scangers, The Knackers, and Chris Forrester. The final is won by The Scangers  who beat The Knackers by the odd goal in three, with Killian Brennan playing a half each for both sides.

Brennan is one of seven new signings, and the bulk of last year's squad have been retained, leaving Buckley bullish about the club's prospects for 2013. "If you give a bad player time, he can play," he explains over a weak cup of tea in 125's media room. "And I think we have a lot of bad players at St. Patrick's Athletic Football Club,  and I'm going to give them all time to play." The ExPat Blog is slightly taken aback by Buckley's openness, until he expands that he purposely signs bad players in order to improve them. "I like to educate players," he says. "You train dogs. I educate players."

Buckley's education extends beyond the players. He sees himself as being the leader not only of his staff, but the club's supporters too. As such, he wants to broaden their horizons and challenge their assumptions. To this end, he has set about making the club more inclusive and representative of 21st Century Ireland. In an effort to diversify the club's support base, he has sought to bring in more ethnic talent to the squad, but simply can't afford to sign any good black players. Undeterred, he has come up with the next best thing. 

The players assemble in the home dressing room for a post-training team talk, or PTTT as Buckley prefers to call it. He produses three unmarked envelopes from his breast pocket and explains that each one contains the name of a player who Buckley will reveal to be gay at the end of the season.

"I don't care if you're gay or not. This is a management technique that will get the best out of you as professionals. The staff and the players."

The ExPat protests, "But surely, it's the choice of the individual if, when, and how to come out."

"Management technique," Buckley snaps back.

"And what if none of the players are even gay?"

"Management technique."


"And what if...."

"Management technique."        
 

Management Technique

One player not in attendance for the PTTT is full-back Ian Bermingham, who we find alone in the away dressing room, following Buckley's advice and getting in some extra conditioning. "Eight hundred and fifty sit-ups a week," he says, apropos nothing. "One for every euro." he elaborates,  proudly lifting his training top to reveal the taut abdominal muscles that Trevor Croly was so keen to take to Tallaght this winter break. "The Bermingham Six," he dryly says.

Not all of last year's squad are feeling so flush or looking so trim. Mark Rossiter and Darren Meenan have spent recent months in the treatment room rubbing Holy Water on each others respected injuries. Rossi has since upped ship, leaving Meenan alone with his Hail Marys and Oh Father Who Art In Heavens. The wide man remains optimistic of proving his fitness in time for the new season, telling The ExPat Blog of a quote Buckley uses to inspire him. "Per aspera ad astra," it goes. "Through adversity to the stars. It's deadly, isn't it?"

That doesn't sound at all untypical of Buckley, who seems very much to be a father figure for most of the squad. He does, in fact, say himself that he treats his players as if they were his sons, which goes some way towards explaining his reticence when The ExPat brings up the topic of Trevor Croly, one of his former sons. 

"It's water under the bridge," Buckley protests, his eyes perceptably watering. "I say let bygones be bygones. What's done is done. There's no point raking over old coals. The past is a foreign country."

But when pressed, Buckley's facade fades to reveal the cold calculated decisiveness that makes him such a force to be reckoned with. "Listen," he says, leaning eerily towards The ExPat, "Rovers made an approach for Trevor and we rejected it. Trevor then came to me saying he wanted to try his hand at management, so when Rovers came back in for him, we said they could have him but only if they took Sean O'Connor too." 

Reeling In The Years II: December 3rd 2006

This Sunday November 4th 2012 Trevor Croly's St Patrick's Athletic take on Derry City in the second leg of the FAI Cup Final, with the Saints trailing 4-3 from the first leg (which took place all of 6 years ago at Lansdowne Road, or The Old Aviva Stadium as it was known at the time.) All memory of December 3rd 2006 was immediately expunged and pushed deep into the subconscious, and it's only after a lengthy period of psychoanalysis in an exclusive asylum on the outskirts of Vienna that The ExPat can confront its demons and speak of what unfolded that fateful day. Here goes...

The Old Aviva Stadium

Quite why 6 years separate the first and second legs of Irish football's blue riband event is anyone's guess, but what is known is that on and off the field of play both clubs are virtually unrecognisable from those which went head-to-head (or, in Clive Delaney's case, head-to-chest) on that tempestuous December afternoon.

To be honest, I don't even know if I'll still be here in six years. Probably Not. Mark Rutherford

With a 7th place finish in the league (a full 25 points behind Derry), the Saints went into the first leg as confirmed underdogs, a tag manager John McDonnell was only too happy to accept.

"Listen," he candidly told journalists in the week leading up to the match, "I really don't know how we managed to get this far at all. Barry Ryan's 5'2", Stephen Brennan doesn't know the offside rule, and I only signed Mark Rutherford for a bet."

 

Added to which, these days were amongst the very darkest in Saints' history when money (to paraphrase Mark Quigley's favourite recording artist) was too tight to mention; before Garret Kelleher rode in on his gilded horse and spent a king's ransom to win the 2011 Leinster Senior Cup. Indeed, so dire were the club's financial straits in 2006 that the squad travelled to The Old Aviva on the DART from Pearse Street via a 78A from The Workmans' Club on Emmet Road. Stephen Quigley, meanwhile, in a misguided attempt to save money, had resorted to cutting his own hair.

Stephen Quigley, came within a hair's breath of legendary status

Not that Derry City were entirely without their money problems. The week leading up to the first leg saw the Pound fall dramatically against the Euro, increasing their supports' matchday expenses by an average of 8%, and it was feared that few would make the trip across the border. But, credit where it's due, the Official Derry City Supporters Club travelled in great number, though - truth be told - they were outsung for much of the match by their erstwhile comrades, the Provisional Derry City Supporters Club, while both the Continuity Derry City Supporters Club and the Real Derry City Supporters Club continued their boycott of the cup, refusing to recognise the FAI's jurisdiction and seeing themselves as the legitimate inheritors of the old IFA Cup, despite the club being formed in 1985.

Mark Quigley, Holding Back The Years

 The game itself was played in conditions best described as cunty. RTE pundit and self-styled dandy, Damien Richardson, felt sure the game would not go ahead.

"The nebulosity of the day really ought to have been a harbinger of what has since befallen," he began. "And the copious precipitation coupled with relentless wind is not conducive to the uninhibited movement of an Association Football football."  

An Association Football football

Dave Barry could only agree. "It's fucking pissing out," he said. "You'd want to be a mad cunt to play that."

But the match did go ahead, or - as Rico himself might put it - go ahead the game did do.

Both sides lined up with a conventional 4-4-2, this being a few years before Liam Buckley invented tactics, with the Saints sporting a claret and blue stripped jersey in apparent homage to then Segunda División side Levante UD. Derry City, as the designated home side, wore their trademark red and white candystripe strip <insert paedo joke here>.

To say Derry were formidable would be a gross understatement, but the Saints did anything but cower before their more illustrious opponents, with Dave Mulcahy doing a stellar job in shackling In The Name Of The Father extra Paddy McCourt, pint-sized Trevor Molloy terrorising the towering figure of Clive Delaney, Paul Keegan bossed fellow bus-pass-holder Peter Hutton, while both Mark Rutherford and second-half substitute Sean O'Connor gave a hard time to Derry's makeshift left-back, a certain Killian Brennan.

A Barber's Warrant For The Arrest Of Patrick James McCourt

The game began and ended, the sides sharing 7 goals between them, 4 for Derry, 3 for the Saints. 6 years have passed and the Saints are stronger, Derry weaker; the heartbreak of December 3rd 2006 lingers, but the 3 away goals scored that day afforded the belief that the tie remained alive. And so it remains. A solitary goal this coming Sunday would be enough to put the Saints ahead on away goals, securing both the 2006 and 2012 FAI Cups and ending half a century of regret and missed opportunities. Whoever scores or however they do it couldn't matter less.

Cheerio Three In A Row...

"When I was just a little boy," began Liam Buckley's rousing pre-match teamtalk," I asked my mother: would I be Rovers? Would I be Pats? Here's what she said to me..."
     What Followed was 90 minutes of artistry and passion that literally sent shockwaves throughout the world of football, as for the second time in recent years The Saints put five goals past South Dublin County Council's much-lauded rent boys tenants. This time, however, the massacre was televised, and by 19:50 on Friday evening RTE bosses were wringing the hands at what was unfolding. Steven Alkin (some-time commentator, full-time Hoop) marched into the away dressing room where he gave Stephen Kenny's men the hairdryer treatment.
     "What the fuck are you playing at out there?" he demanded to know. "This was not part of the fucking script. Do you hear me? Sort it the fuck out or I'll roast all of your bolloxes over a coal fire and feed them to my turtles. Especially you, Killian, you one-footed, pox-ridden, lead-headed, little fuck face."
     The silver-tongued Lothario's words, though, were to no avail as The Saints struck twice more, despite the return of Daryl Kavanagh to Richmond Park (where he netted 4 league goals last year - 3 against Drogs, one versus Galway - putting him on a par with Michael Holt, David Freeman, Marcus Hallows, Chris Arsmtrong, Mark Rooney, and Juimmy Lee Jones in the mediocrity stakes).
     The full-time whistle was met with rapturous applause by the Inchicore faithful, but their Hooped counterparts were understandibly less pleased with what they had just seen. Unconfirmed reports claim a man bearing a striking resemblance to Con Murphy - his voice almost gone after 90 minutes of 'Bouncy Castle, Bouncy Shed' - was seen venting his frustration on a 5' 2'' Bean Garda.
     "You're just a Free State cunt," the man (who may not, in fact, be Mr Murphy), is alleged to have said.
     Stephen Kenny, meanwhile, wasted no time in enlisting the help of his brother Pat and cousin Enda in ensuring that even if Rovers don't retain the title, The Saints won't be the ones to stop them. The next episode of The Pat Kenny Show will feature an exposé on the culture of  post-match'roasting' endemic in The Saints squad, while Enda promised Rovers the full backing of The National Blueshirt Christian Movement.
     The Saints remain undefeated.

Shelbourne Developments

With 8 points from 4 games Liam Buckley's new-look Saints appear to be ticking along nicely even if they have yet to show anything like the spirit of '99. This Friday presents the Saints with another opportunity to pass the ball around meanderingly for 90 minutes in the fashion of a FIFA-12-semi-pro-struggling-to-get-to-grips-with-the-shoot-button, as for the second time in a week they take on a motley crew of Macron-clad minnows from the northside of the Liffey, namely Shelbourne.

It's half a decade since the clubs last met in a league fixture. Back then, of course, a game against a Shels side was a very different proposition, a typical XI containing the likes of Owen Heary, Colin Hawkins, Jim Crawford, and Jason Byrne. Although the average nose size of a Shels player has decreased considerably since then, if last year's FAI Cup semi-final proved anything it is that - irrespective of the quality at their disposal - there remains something inherently unlikeable about Shelbourne Football Club.

'Drumcondra Says "NO"' Reverend Stephen Paisley

Their European exploits now also seem like a thing of the distant past, and their hob-knobbing with such luminaries as Hadjuk Split, Deportivo la Coruña, Lille, and Harchester United has been well and truly put in the shade by the recent achievements of FC South Dublin County Council.

Shels' Arch-rivals, Harchester United

These days Alan Matthews - two-time runner-up to Richard Sadlier for The World's Most Boring Voice Award - must work off a budget a fraction that of his predecessors, and while in Dean Kelly, Stephen O'Flynn, Jake Kelly, Christy Fagan, and Ian Daly the Saints have something of an embarrassment of riches up front, in Philly Hughes Shels have something of an embarrassment up fornt.

Not that 3 points can be taken for granted, as Liam Buckley himself pointed out this week in an exclusive Twitter interview with The ExPat Blog. The interview - although initially considered quite a coup for a blog with one follower - was difficult ,to say the least. The Saints manager came across as slightly unfamiliar with the medium and the interview rapidly descended into farce. Below is the timeline.

theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 thanks for taking time out for the interview, Liam #appreciated
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog don't mention it
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 v bohs: 2 points dropped or 1 gained?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog 2 dropped. you could say we need to Bucko up our ideas #punintended
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 any personnel changes v Shels? Fagan, Forrester, perhaps?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog  perhaps. I'm the gaffer. I pick the team the Bucko stops with me.
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 ok...are shels a threat this year?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog  maybe. they should take a leaf out of my Bucko, though #longballmerchants
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 how will we deal with that long-ball threat on Friday?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog don't worry. we won't Buckle under the pressure.
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 Liam, can we cut out the puns, please?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog why? they're the oldest trick in the Bucko.
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 come on, Liam...please...
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog  we should do the interview by the Bucko
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 please...
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog don't judge a Bucko by its cover
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 FFS, Liam...

TBC

Played: 3 Won: 0 Drawn: 0 Lost: 3 Goals For: 0 Goals Against: 4 Goal Difference: -4 Points: 0. Early days though they are, the League of Ireland table makes pretty grim reading for supporters of 12^th-place Bohemian Football Club, or The Big Club as they are more commonly known - a reference to the fact that they are easily one of the biggest clubs in Dublin 7. And things may get even worse before they get better for Aaron Callaghan and his band of amatuer men, as this Sunday Liam Buckley takes his swashbuckling, tiki-taki, Total Football Saints to the Leo Burdock Arena for what once would have been a top-of-the-table clash.

TBC HQ, Zurich, Switzerland

The Big Club (or TBC) have fallen on hard times of late, something about which this blog is loath to gloat. By now, TBC had hoped to be playing their home games in a purpose-built, 10-000-seater stadium on the outskirts of Newry, with a budget hefty enough to sustain a squadful of Michael Keanes. But external factors have put paid to those particular (pipe) dreams and despite the earnest and meticulous work of the democratically-elected board, TBC find themselves without a pot to piss in (proverbial or otherwise), thanks to a combination of global warming, the credit crunch, and 9/11.

One of TBC's celebrity supporters, Dennis The Little Cunt

Not, however, that it’s all doom and gloom round Phibsboro way. On the contrary, former Saint Aaron Callaghan has patched together a squad of players so reasonable in talent that Paddy Power and Boyle Sports have both installed TBC as even-money favourites for the 2012/2013 Leinster Senior League Saturday Major division. Off the field, meanwhile, TBC continue to innovate, with each season ticket holder receiving one free Leo Burdick chip to wear on their shoulder, and every home game there’s a signed shirt up for grabs to anyone who can name more than 6 of their starting XI.

Former Big Club Striker Andrei Pereplyotkin

Of course, there hasn't always been such a contrast in fortunes between the two clubs. Although the echoes of 'one, two, three, four; one, two, three, four...five-nil' have long since subsided in Inchicore, and it's not so long ago that Saints fans looked on enviously as TBC were signing the likes of Republic of Ireland legend Gareth Farrelly and Championship Manager 4 sensation Andrei Pereplyotkin, the clubs have been close rivals on the pitch as well as off it more often than not. And this blog, for one, will miss that rivalry when it's gone.