Once A Saint, Always A Saint

The impending return to Inchicore of Philly Hughes has got tongues wagging on both sides of the River Liffey, some questioning the wisdom of a signing a player who - according to the latest UEFA directives - counts as two players in a starting line-up. Manager Liam Buckley was having none of it, however, when he spoke to The ExPat earlier this week, claiming that "Phillip would be the biggest player I've ever signed, so from that end of things I don't really know what people are complaining about."

Indeed, Liam. In-fucking-deed.

Should the Hughes signing go ahead, he will become the sixth member of the current squad to be in his second spell with the club, and here's The ExPat's XI of Saints (good, bad, and in more than one case, ugly) who found their way home after going astray in search of fame and fortune elsewhere.

Between the sticks, No.1 Brendan Clarke.

Pictured here taking a deserved nap between saves, Brendan's in his second spell, having played under 5 managers over a 10 year period, during which time he has had more hairstyles than clean sheets. Brendan's shot-stopping is second-to-none and his distribution of the ball makes him an integral part of Liam Buckley's vision to pass our way to disappointment every season, but lapses of concentration have plagued Clarkie since his return to Richmond Park. "Do you dwell on mistakes?" The ExPat recently asked the Ballyfermot-bred netminder. "Well, to be honest with you," he said, "sometimes before or after a game I just have a few minutes to myself to...sorry, what was the question?"

Right Back, No. 2 Anto Murphy

Anto has had not two, but three spells in the famous Red & White, his versatility matched only by his mediocrity. Though, credit where it's due, he did enjoy a purple patch in 2007 and hasn't quite given up yet on rediscovering that form. Anto is currently working on his fitness in the hope of earning a fourth crack of the whip. Don't call us, Anto; we'll call you.

Centre Half, No. 5 Dave Mulcahy

An oft-spoken cliche goes that every side should have a Dave Mulcahy, but if such a thing ever came to pass St. John's Ambulance would go into meltdown. A midfield-enforcer by trade, Muller can do as much damage to an opponent at centre-half as he can anywhere else on the field. The cult-hero inspires fear and respect in equal measure, qualities perfectly captured here in his squad profile picture from 2011. "Say 'CHEESE!!'" the photographer said. Incidentally, donations to the Paraplegic Photographers Association can be made directly at 125 Emmet Road.

Centre Half, No. 4 Jamie Harris

Welshman Harris first arrived at Richmond Park from Bohemians in the summer of 2000 as a makeweight in the transfer of Trevor Molloy. Roddy Collins had planned to pair Billy Boy and Harris (then a striker) in a little-and-large partnership, which at the time was all the rage. Collins initially offered Pats a young centre-forward by the name of Glen Crowe, but in his infallible wisdom, Saints Supremo Pat Dolan plumped for Harris, and after 2 and a half years as fifth-choice striker it was discovered that Harris was, in fact, a more-than-decent centre-half. About six games later, Eamonn Collins in his own infallible wisdom sold Harris to Shelbourne. Bomber went on to win 3 league titles with the South-cum-Northside outfit. Pat Dolan and Eamonn Collins are currently without clubs.

Left Back, No. 3 Des Byrne

Like Anto Murphy, Dessie had 3 spells with  the Saints. His first led to a big-money move to then-Premier League club Wimbledon, and it was in London that Dessie struck up a life-long friendship with a certain John Terry. The ExPat spoke to the cockney scamp about the full back. "Well, ExPat, what can I say about Des that hasn't already been said?" said the self-styled hardman with over 70 caps for the English Defence League. "I suppose the greatest compliment I can pay Des is to say that's he's white."

Right Midfield, No. 8 That Boy Keith Fahey

Fellow white man Keith Fahey takes his place in the side on the wide-right, the position he occupied during his first stint at the club. It wasn't until his return from a brief hiatus at Drogheda United that Fahey really came into his own, after somehow managing to secure a starting berth ahead of Vinny Perth, Ian Maher, and Brenton Leister. Fahey's final 12 months in a Saints shirt were an object lesson in how good the League of Ireland could be, and how far it has to go. He dictated every game, kept John McDonnell in a job, earned less than Michael Keane and shared a dressing room with Joe O'Cearuill.

Midfield, No. 6 Joseph N'Do

Joey first came to Ireland in 2003 via Eamonn Collins' legendary book of contacts, having featured in the Cameroon squad for the 1998 and 2002 World Cups. In addition to his two trophy-less spells in Inchicore, he has won league titles with Shelbourne, Bohemians, and Sligo Rovers. Chris Adamson, Karim el Khebir, Mark Casey, and Gary McPhee also came to Ireland via Eammon Collins' legendary book of contacts. None of them appeared in either the 1998 or 2002 World Cups, nor have any of them won league titles. Eammon Collins is currently without a club.

Midfield, No. 7 Paul Osam (c) 

Perhaps better known for his season at Shamrock Rovers, Oso did, in fact, also feature for the Saints for a combined 14 years, during which time he won 5 league titles to add to the winner's medal he picked with the Hoops at the Royal Dublin Society, where he earned the famous moniker, The Black Pearl Of Ballsbridge. Oso is still fondly thought of by the Shamrock Rovers faithful, and there are plans afoot to re-name streets in his honour in Ringsend, Miltown, Drumcondra, Phibsboro, Ballsbridge, Drumcondra again, Santry, Inchicore, and Tallaght.

Left Wing, No. 11 Sean O'Connor

Sean recently departed the Saints for the second (and, hopefully, last) time in circumstances which by any definition must be called acrimonious. A heated argument between Liam Buckley and the Ballyfermot-native ended with Soccy claiming he could "still have any woman in Inchicore." "You're welcome to them," Buckley retorted.

Centre Forward, No. 9 Trevor Molloy

Molloy helped the Saints to back-to-back league titles in his first spell at the club, earning himself legendary status by the age of 22. His second spell was short and sweet, though markedly less illustrious than the first. To supporters who came of age in that period, The ExPat included, Molloy remains the standard bearer of Pats strikers. Older cunts might disagree.

Centre Forward, No. 41 Ian Gilzean

For all intents and purposes, Glizean shouldn't have made it as a professional footballer. Lumbering and lethargic, he strolled around for 90 minutes like a knackered Dimitar Berbatov, only with the delicate first touch of a rapist. What he lacked in pace, guile or any discernible ability, however, he made up in something indefinable that actually made him the best target man the modern-day League of Ireland has seen, forming part of a deadly attacking triumvirate with Molloy and Leon Braithwaite in '97/'98, and then the perfect Plan-B-already-built-into-the-Plan-A in Liam Buckley's ingenious 3-5-2 the following season. Of all the players in this XI, however, his return was undoubtedly the least successful as those aforementioned qualities (or lack thereof) came to the fore and he struggled to break up the partnership of Liam Kelly and Ger McCarthy, a damning indictment of any footballer (unless, of course, his name is Marcus Hallows or Michael Holt). Such, though, is the esteem in which the big Scot is still held that the number 41 jersey was retired in his honour.

Being: Pats

Dublin Calling'

Having seen his vision to introduce financial doping to domestic football thwarted, and with it being the year of The Gathering, beleaguered Saints owner Garret Kelleher has opted for one last throw of the dice, and, in an effort to crack the burgeoning American market, invited the ExPat Blog into the inner sanctum of 125 Emmet Road for a behind-the-scenes look at how Liam Buckley's outfit is shaping up.

Pre-season is in full swing, with the club's first competitive fixture (against Irish League side Glentoran) a matter of weeks away. On the training pitch, manager Liam Buckley is professionalism personified  and expects the same form his players, quietly chastising young Connor Murphy for a moment of petulance.

"You need to improve your attitude," Buckley tells the new recruit from Derry City.

"Steady," Murphy inadvisedly replies.

"You say 'steady' to me again when I'm saying something to you and you'll be on the first Luas back to Tallaght.You should be like a sponge here, learning off these guys," he says, pointing towards a bewildered Anto Flood, who assumes he has done something wrong. "You get one chance to play for St. Patrick's Athletic Football Club." Flood remains bewildered. As do Brendan Clarke, Shane McFaul, and Jordan Keegan.

Buckley then decides to lower the intensity of the training session with a game of what he calls "World Cup", dividing the squad into The Muppets, The Scangers, The Knackers, and Chris Forrester. The final is won by The Scangers  who beat The Knackers by the odd goal in three, with Killian Brennan playing a half each for both sides.

Brennan is one of seven new signings, and the bulk of last year's squad have been retained, leaving Buckley bullish about the club's prospects for 2013. "If you give a bad player time, he can play," he explains over a weak cup of tea in 125's media room. "And I think we have a lot of bad players at St. Patrick's Athletic Football Club,  and I'm going to give them all time to play." The ExPat Blog is slightly taken aback by Buckley's openness, until he expands that he purposely signs bad players in order to improve them. "I like to educate players," he says. "You train dogs. I educate players."

Buckley's education extends beyond the players. He sees himself as being the leader not only of his staff, but the club's supporters too. As such, he wants to broaden their horizons and challenge their assumptions. To this end, he has set about making the club more inclusive and representative of 21st Century Ireland. In an effort to diversify the club's support base, he has sought to bring in more ethnic talent to the squad, but simply can't afford to sign any good black players. Undeterred, he has come up with the next best thing. 

The players assemble in the home dressing room for a post-training team talk, or PTTT as Buckley prefers to call it. He produses three unmarked envelopes from his breast pocket and explains that each one contains the name of a player who Buckley will reveal to be gay at the end of the season.

"I don't care if you're gay or not. This is a management technique that will get the best out of you as professionals. The staff and the players."

The ExPat protests, "But surely, it's the choice of the individual if, when, and how to come out."

"Management technique," Buckley snaps back.

"And what if none of the players are even gay?"

"Management technique."


"And what if...."

"Management technique."        
 

Management Technique

One player not in attendance for the PTTT is full-back Ian Bermingham, who we find alone in the away dressing room, following Buckley's advice and getting in some extra conditioning. "Eight hundred and fifty sit-ups a week," he says, apropos nothing. "One for every euro." he elaborates,  proudly lifting his training top to reveal the taut abdominal muscles that Trevor Croly was so keen to take to Tallaght this winter break. "The Bermingham Six," he dryly says.

Not all of last year's squad are feeling so flush or looking so trim. Mark Rossiter and Darren Meenan have spent recent months in the treatment room rubbing Holy Water on each others respected injuries. Rossi has since upped ship, leaving Meenan alone with his Hail Marys and Oh Father Who Art In Heavens. The wide man remains optimistic of proving his fitness in time for the new season, telling The ExPat Blog of a quote Buckley uses to inspire him. "Per aspera ad astra," it goes. "Through adversity to the stars. It's deadly, isn't it?"

That doesn't sound at all untypical of Buckley, who seems very much to be a father figure for most of the squad. He does, in fact, say himself that he treats his players as if they were his sons, which goes some way towards explaining his reticence when The ExPat brings up the topic of Trevor Croly, one of his former sons. 

"It's water under the bridge," Buckley protests, his eyes perceptably watering. "I say let bygones be bygones. What's done is done. There's no point raking over old coals. The past is a foreign country."

But when pressed, Buckley's facade fades to reveal the cold calculated decisiveness that makes him such a force to be reckoned with. "Listen," he says, leaning eerily towards The ExPat, "Rovers made an approach for Trevor and we rejected it. Trevor then came to me saying he wanted to try his hand at management, so when Rovers came back in for him, we said they could have him but only if they took Sean O'Connor too."