Reeling In The Years II: December 3rd 2006

This Sunday November 4th 2012 Trevor Croly's St Patrick's Athletic take on Derry City in the second leg of the FAI Cup Final, with the Saints trailing 4-3 from the first leg (which took place all of 6 years ago at Lansdowne Road, or The Old Aviva Stadium as it was known at the time.) All memory of December 3rd 2006 was immediately expunged and pushed deep into the subconscious, and it's only after a lengthy period of psychoanalysis in an exclusive asylum on the outskirts of Vienna that The ExPat can confront its demons and speak of what unfolded that fateful day. Here goes...

The Old Aviva Stadium

Quite why 6 years separate the first and second legs of Irish football's blue riband event is anyone's guess, but what is known is that on and off the field of play both clubs are virtually unrecognisable from those which went head-to-head (or, in Clive Delaney's case, head-to-chest) on that tempestuous December afternoon.

To be honest, I don't even know if I'll still be here in six years. Probably Not. Mark Rutherford

With a 7th place finish in the league (a full 25 points behind Derry), the Saints went into the first leg as confirmed underdogs, a tag manager John McDonnell was only too happy to accept.

"Listen," he candidly told journalists in the week leading up to the match, "I really don't know how we managed to get this far at all. Barry Ryan's 5'2", Stephen Brennan doesn't know the offside rule, and I only signed Mark Rutherford for a bet."

 

Added to which, these days were amongst the very darkest in Saints' history when money (to paraphrase Mark Quigley's favourite recording artist) was too tight to mention; before Garret Kelleher rode in on his gilded horse and spent a king's ransom to win the 2011 Leinster Senior Cup. Indeed, so dire were the club's financial straits in 2006 that the squad travelled to The Old Aviva on the DART from Pearse Street via a 78A from The Workmans' Club on Emmet Road. Stephen Quigley, meanwhile, in a misguided attempt to save money, had resorted to cutting his own hair.

Stephen Quigley, came within a hair's breath of legendary status

Not that Derry City were entirely without their money problems. The week leading up to the first leg saw the Pound fall dramatically against the Euro, increasing their supports' matchday expenses by an average of 8%, and it was feared that few would make the trip across the border. But, credit where it's due, the Official Derry City Supporters Club travelled in great number, though - truth be told - they were outsung for much of the match by their erstwhile comrades, the Provisional Derry City Supporters Club, while both the Continuity Derry City Supporters Club and the Real Derry City Supporters Club continued their boycott of the cup, refusing to recognise the FAI's jurisdiction and seeing themselves as the legitimate inheritors of the old IFA Cup, despite the club being formed in 1985.

Mark Quigley, Holding Back The Years

 The game itself was played in conditions best described as cunty. RTE pundit and self-styled dandy, Damien Richardson, felt sure the game would not go ahead.

"The nebulosity of the day really ought to have been a harbinger of what has since befallen," he began. "And the copious precipitation coupled with relentless wind is not conducive to the uninhibited movement of an Association Football football."  

An Association Football football

Dave Barry could only agree. "It's fucking pissing out," he said. "You'd want to be a mad cunt to play that."

But the match did go ahead, or - as Rico himself might put it - go ahead the game did do.

Both sides lined up with a conventional 4-4-2, this being a few years before Liam Buckley invented tactics, with the Saints sporting a claret and blue stripped jersey in apparent homage to then Segunda División side Levante UD. Derry City, as the designated home side, wore their trademark red and white candystripe strip <insert paedo joke here>.

To say Derry were formidable would be a gross understatement, but the Saints did anything but cower before their more illustrious opponents, with Dave Mulcahy doing a stellar job in shackling In The Name Of The Father extra Paddy McCourt, pint-sized Trevor Molloy terrorising the towering figure of Clive Delaney, Paul Keegan bossed fellow bus-pass-holder Peter Hutton, while both Mark Rutherford and second-half substitute Sean O'Connor gave a hard time to Derry's makeshift left-back, a certain Killian Brennan.

A Barber's Warrant For The Arrest Of Patrick James McCourt

The game began and ended, the sides sharing 7 goals between them, 4 for Derry, 3 for the Saints. 6 years have passed and the Saints are stronger, Derry weaker; the heartbreak of December 3rd 2006 lingers, but the 3 away goals scored that day afforded the belief that the tie remained alive. And so it remains. A solitary goal this coming Sunday would be enough to put the Saints ahead on away goals, securing both the 2006 and 2012 FAI Cups and ending half a century of regret and missed opportunities. Whoever scores or however they do it couldn't matter less.

Cheerio Three In A Row...

"When I was just a little boy," began Liam Buckley's rousing pre-match teamtalk," I asked my mother: would I be Rovers? Would I be Pats? Here's what she said to me..."
     What Followed was 90 minutes of artistry and passion that literally sent shockwaves throughout the world of football, as for the second time in recent years The Saints put five goals past South Dublin County Council's much-lauded rent boys tenants. This time, however, the massacre was televised, and by 19:50 on Friday evening RTE bosses were wringing the hands at what was unfolding. Steven Alkin (some-time commentator, full-time Hoop) marched into the away dressing room where he gave Stephen Kenny's men the hairdryer treatment.
     "What the fuck are you playing at out there?" he demanded to know. "This was not part of the fucking script. Do you hear me? Sort it the fuck out or I'll roast all of your bolloxes over a coal fire and feed them to my turtles. Especially you, Killian, you one-footed, pox-ridden, lead-headed, little fuck face."
     The silver-tongued Lothario's words, though, were to no avail as The Saints struck twice more, despite the return of Daryl Kavanagh to Richmond Park (where he netted 4 league goals last year - 3 against Drogs, one versus Galway - putting him on a par with Michael Holt, David Freeman, Marcus Hallows, Chris Arsmtrong, Mark Rooney, and Juimmy Lee Jones in the mediocrity stakes).
     The full-time whistle was met with rapturous applause by the Inchicore faithful, but their Hooped counterparts were understandibly less pleased with what they had just seen. Unconfirmed reports claim a man bearing a striking resemblance to Con Murphy - his voice almost gone after 90 minutes of 'Bouncy Castle, Bouncy Shed' - was seen venting his frustration on a 5' 2'' Bean Garda.
     "You're just a Free State cunt," the man (who may not, in fact, be Mr Murphy), is alleged to have said.
     Stephen Kenny, meanwhile, wasted no time in enlisting the help of his brother Pat and cousin Enda in ensuring that even if Rovers don't retain the title, The Saints won't be the ones to stop them. The next episode of The Pat Kenny Show will feature an exposé on the culture of  post-match'roasting' endemic in The Saints squad, while Enda promised Rovers the full backing of The National Blueshirt Christian Movement.
     The Saints remain undefeated.

Shelbourne Developments

With 8 points from 4 games Liam Buckley's new-look Saints appear to be ticking along nicely even if they have yet to show anything like the spirit of '99. This Friday presents the Saints with another opportunity to pass the ball around meanderingly for 90 minutes in the fashion of a FIFA-12-semi-pro-struggling-to-get-to-grips-with-the-shoot-button, as for the second time in a week they take on a motley crew of Macron-clad minnows from the northside of the Liffey, namely Shelbourne.

It's half a decade since the clubs last met in a league fixture. Back then, of course, a game against a Shels side was a very different proposition, a typical XI containing the likes of Owen Heary, Colin Hawkins, Jim Crawford, and Jason Byrne. Although the average nose size of a Shels player has decreased considerably since then, if last year's FAI Cup semi-final proved anything it is that - irrespective of the quality at their disposal - there remains something inherently unlikeable about Shelbourne Football Club.

'Drumcondra Says "NO"' Reverend Stephen Paisley

Their European exploits now also seem like a thing of the distant past, and their hob-knobbing with such luminaries as Hadjuk Split, Deportivo la Coruña, Lille, and Harchester United has been well and truly put in the shade by the recent achievements of FC South Dublin County Council.

Shels' Arch-rivals, Harchester United

These days Alan Matthews - two-time runner-up to Richard Sadlier for The World's Most Boring Voice Award - must work off a budget a fraction that of his predecessors, and while in Dean Kelly, Stephen O'Flynn, Jake Kelly, Christy Fagan, and Ian Daly the Saints have something of an embarrassment of riches up front, in Philly Hughes Shels have something of an embarrassment up fornt.

Not that 3 points can be taken for granted, as Liam Buckley himself pointed out this week in an exclusive Twitter interview with The ExPat Blog. The interview - although initially considered quite a coup for a blog with one follower - was difficult ,to say the least. The Saints manager came across as slightly unfamiliar with the medium and the interview rapidly descended into farce. Below is the timeline.

theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 thanks for taking time out for the interview, Liam #appreciated
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog don't mention it
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 v bohs: 2 points dropped or 1 gained?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog 2 dropped. you could say we need to Bucko up our ideas #punintended
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 any personnel changes v Shels? Fagan, Forrester, perhaps?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog  perhaps. I'm the gaffer. I pick the team the Bucko stops with me.
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 ok...are shels a threat this year?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog  maybe. they should take a leaf out of my Bucko, though #longballmerchants
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 how will we deal with that long-ball threat on Friday?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog don't worry. we won't Buckle under the pressure.
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 Liam, can we cut out the puns, please?
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog why? they're the oldest trick in the Bucko.
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 come on, Liam...please...
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog  we should do the interview by the Bucko
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 please...
bucko_3_5_2 @theexpatblog don't judge a Bucko by its cover
theexpatblog @bucko_3_5_2 FFS, Liam...

TBC

Played: 3 Won: 0 Drawn: 0 Lost: 3 Goals For: 0 Goals Against: 4 Goal Difference: -4 Points: 0. Early days though they are, the League of Ireland table makes pretty grim reading for supporters of 12^th-place Bohemian Football Club, or The Big Club as they are more commonly known - a reference to the fact that they are easily one of the biggest clubs in Dublin 7. And things may get even worse before they get better for Aaron Callaghan and his band of amatuer men, as this Sunday Liam Buckley takes his swashbuckling, tiki-taki, Total Football Saints to the Leo Burdock Arena for what once would have been a top-of-the-table clash.

TBC HQ, Zurich, Switzerland

The Big Club (or TBC) have fallen on hard times of late, something about which this blog is loath to gloat. By now, TBC had hoped to be playing their home games in a purpose-built, 10-000-seater stadium on the outskirts of Newry, with a budget hefty enough to sustain a squadful of Michael Keanes. But external factors have put paid to those particular (pipe) dreams and despite the earnest and meticulous work of the democratically-elected board, TBC find themselves without a pot to piss in (proverbial or otherwise), thanks to a combination of global warming, the credit crunch, and 9/11.

One of TBC's celebrity supporters, Dennis The Little Cunt

Not, however, that it’s all doom and gloom round Phibsboro way. On the contrary, former Saint Aaron Callaghan has patched together a squad of players so reasonable in talent that Paddy Power and Boyle Sports have both installed TBC as even-money favourites for the 2012/2013 Leinster Senior League Saturday Major division. Off the field, meanwhile, TBC continue to innovate, with each season ticket holder receiving one free Leo Burdick chip to wear on their shoulder, and every home game there’s a signed shirt up for grabs to anyone who can name more than 6 of their starting XI.

Former Big Club Striker Andrei Pereplyotkin

Of course, there hasn't always been such a contrast in fortunes between the two clubs. Although the echoes of 'one, two, three, four; one, two, three, four...five-nil' have long since subsided in Inchicore, and it's not so long ago that Saints fans looked on enviously as TBC were signing the likes of Republic of Ireland legend Gareth Farrelly and Championship Manager 4 sensation Andrei Pereplyotkin, the clubs have been close rivals on the pitch as well as off it more often than not. And this blog, for one, will miss that rivalry when it's gone.