Reeling In The Years

Taking place at the very height of the Pat-Shels off-field rivalry this match goes down as a classic for event s on the pitch, neither Daily Star columnist Pat Dolan nor Shels owner Oliie Byrne (RIP) stealing the limelight. What went on off the pitch, however, still rankles with most, and for the benefit of younger supporters it’s worth recapping briefly.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it, George Santayana

It had been an exciting pre-season for Saints fans and support was unanimous for Daily Star columnist Pat Dolan and his proposed merger of St Patrick’s Athletic Football Club and St Francis FC. The new entity – St Patricks Atheltic inc. St Francis Football Club, or Dublin Saints as we affectionately called ourselves – began the season against Galway Utd at Richmond Park, one of our two home grounds. The joy of an emphatic 3-0 victory was tempered somewhat by the realisation that St Patricks Atheltic inc. St Francis Football club could not, in fact, field 22 players. As this had seemed the main advantage of the merger, some supporters began to have doubts as to the long term viability of the project. Although, in true St Patricks Atheltic inc. St Francis Football Club fashion, they kept those doubts to themselves.

Nonetheless, the Dublin Saints continued to impress, even during the Paul Marney Affair which saw us docked 9 points. Although these points were restored upon appeal we were docked a further 15 points when it emerged that Charles Mbabazi Livingstone had also had an affair. Fearing such extra-curricular activities might tarnish the Dublin Saints’ family image and derail our title bid, Daily Star columnist Pat Dolan took the unusual step of doping the players with Chinese herbs to curb their sex drives and put an end to all these affairs. It proved, however, too little too late, and the Paul Marney and Charles Mbabazi Livingstone Affairs remain two of the seediest episodes in League of Ireland history.

Exhibit 'A' in the Paul Marney Affair

The players’ antics had created such a media frenzy that even National Joke Broadcaster, Radio Television Ireland, decided to show the game, going so far as to cancel an episode of highbrow sitcom Upwardly Mobile (which depicted the often-hilarious travails of Northsiders Eddie and Molly Keogh as they adjusted to life on the southside of the river Liffey, where everyone has at least one primary degree and earns a six-figure salary). The National Joke Broadcaster also judged the occasion important enough to assign their marquee commentator, Belfast-born UK passport-holder, George Lewis Christine Hamilton. George had requested former Shamrock Rovers defender Jim Beglin as his straight man, but after much deliberation it was decided best to have at least one person in the commentators’ box who knew the players’ names, and the gig went to Eoin Hand.

George Lewis Christine Hamilton's passport

Belfast-born UK passport-holder George Lewis Christine Hamilton declared Shels to be favourites because their jerseys were supplied by Umbro. ”Almost like a real football club,” he said, making use of his extensive knowledge of world football to remind us that FC United of Manchester had won the 1999 Champions League wearing Umbro shirts. Eoin, for his part, tipped Pats for victory, pointing out that the Shels players might be feeling a little jet lagged after flying to Inchichore from Drumcondra in a chartered plane. They were, however, in agreement that Owen Heary was “a bit of a cunt”.

"A bit of a cunt"

The players took to the field to rapturous applause from a packed crowd of around 7,000. Also in attendance were the joint Guests Of Honour, AC Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi and Real Madrid president Florentino Perez. They, along with scouts from a host of other top clubs, were running the rule over Dublin Saints winger Robbie Griffin who after a number of eye-catching performances had been widely tipped to become the League of Ireland’s first Ballon d’Or winner.

AC Milan owner Silvio Berlusconi on his way to Benburb Street

There were no surprises in either starting XI. Daily Star columnist Pat Dolan resisted the temptation of starting a 12-year-old Kevin Doyle, instead pairing fast-but-shit striker Ger McCarthy with Liam Kelly in attack. Paul Osam, who had been doubtful, passed a late fitness test and took his place in the Dublin Saints pioneering 4-3-2 formation, with Martin Russell only entering the field of play for free kicks and corners.

Shels made the most of their Umbro shirts and took the lead in the third minute when Stephen Geoghegan, who had once been called up to the Republic of Ireland squad for the laugh, punished a Dublin Saints error. Davy Byrne added to Geoghegan’s strike in the fifteenth minute, and it seemed like Shels would be flying back to Drumcondra with the league title in the bag.

Paul McKeown, however, had a fiver on the game as part of a 3-draws accumulator at 33-1, and after an innocuous enough challenge on the edge of the area he awarded the Dublin Saints a free kick. Martin Russell was duly wheeled on to the pitch and with his first touch sent the ball into the top-right corner of Steve Williams’ goal. Not for the last time that night the question on everybody’s lips was, ‘Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?’

With the clock winding down it seemed as if both sides would be happy to go in at half time with things as they stood. Paul Marney had other ideas. The versatile Englishman picked up a loose ball in the Shels half and unleashed one of his trademark long-range drives. This one wasn’t shit though, and it squirmed under the body of Williams to the delight of both the Dublin Saints faithful and McKeown, who blew for half time shortly afterwards.

The second forty-five was less of a spectacle. Shels looked content to take the draw, while the Dublin Saints couldn’t match the intensity of the first half. Eoin Hand put this down to the part-time status of the players but Belfast-born UK passport-holder George Lewis Christine Hamilton blamed O’Neills. The bigwigs at National Joke Broadcaster, Radio Television Ireland, had ordered that Upwardly Mobile return to the screens post-haste, and Burlesconi and Perez were just about to leave their luxury corporate box when Charles Mbabazi Livingstone spun on a veritable sixpence in the Shels area to send the ball past a hapless Williams. Burlesconi turned to Perez and asked, ‘Who let the dogs the out?’ ‘Who? Who? Who?’ replied Perez, and the Dublin Saints went on to claim the 2001/2002 title.